Support A Underappreciated Writer!

Just thought I'd lend a blog entry in support of my blog buddy, Grant. He got a story published and I want to spread the word.

Tagged for Fours by Grant

Four Jobs you've had in your life:

Convenience Store Clerk. (Yes, like Apu)
Bagging Clerk
Claims Analyst
Pickle (err, actually cucumber) Sorter

Four movies you could watch over and over:
Batman Begins
Sin City
Shaun of the Dead
Dawn of the Dead ('04)


Four places you've lived:
Portland
St.Hell-ens
Scappoose
Astoria


Four TV shows you love to watch:
Simpsons
Law and Order: Criminal Intent
The Shield
Forensic Science Shows


Four places you've been on vacation:
Vancouver BC
Disneyland, CA
Yellowstone
Newport, OR

Four websites you visit daily:
RAD
Manuel's View
Just Orb
Annush


Four of your favorite foods:
Italian or Pseudo Italian i.e Pizza
Chinese Food
Mexican
Meatloaf

Four places you'd rather be:
Dublin, Ireland
Montana
Edinburgh, Scotland
Anywhere BUT here

I guess I'll do the Four Books You Must Read Before You DIE also...
A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE. (George Martin) I am a firm believer this series will shape the future of fantasy.
Catch-22. (Joseph Heller) Pretty funny. In a tear your hair out of your head kind of way.
Starship Troopers. (Robert Heinlein) I just like it.
Dune. (Frank Herbert.) It's got a timely message in it.

Some ideas just look better on paper. That was a hard lesson I learned as a kid. I wrote out some adventures as a kid and tried to live them out. Yes, I was a geek.

Running down a rocky hill while pretending you are a Indian with a makeshift
bow...Not a great idea. Trip, land head first on pointy hard rocks, blood,
screaming, rope burn by the bow string. It wasn't one of my better ideas

Pretending to a superhero, I told myself I wasn't going to take my fear
of heights anymore. I jumped off the deck of my playhouse and though I hit
something, I don't really remember what. It took a week for my black eye to
diminish.

Putting my stereo speaker on my closet door. Then promptly
forgetting that it's there and closing the door. After the emergency visit, and
a few stitches, my parents took me out for pizza. Perhaps they felt sorry for
their ditzy klutzy daughter.

Funny how most of my childhood stories end up with me getting hurt.

Pet Peeves

Pet Peeve:

Pedestrians that break the law by just walking out in front of my car when I have the right of way. Good thing they don't live in NYC, or they'd have been run over.

Pet Peeve:

People that bend my paperback books spine so that the front and back covers meet.

Pet Peeve:

People that give away the endings of novels or movies I haven't seen yet.

Pet Peeve:

Indeciveness

Me: Where do you want to go for dinner?

You: UH...I don't know.

Me: Red Robin?

You: I dunno.

Me: Old Spaghetti Factory?

You: I dunno
.
Me: Izzy's? (A Pizza and Salad Bar Buffet)

You: I dunno. You decide.

Me: (Silently go ARRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!) Ok. We're going to my mother's for dinner.

You: NOOOOOO!!!! Let's go to Izzy's.

Which type of man is best for me?

Probably the bad boy.

These are a few of my favorite things of '05

Book:

A FEAST FOR CROWS

Graphic Novel Adaptation to Film:

SIN CITY

Movie:

BATMAN BEGINS:

Favorite Blog:

MINE

Favorite would-be recipient of an ass kicking:

He knows who he is. And why.

*********************
A favorite (going off on a tangent here) misconception of mine is that every entry of mine has to be deep and meaningful. This is my sounding board. This is my sanctuary. I should be silly if I want to be or hil-flippin'-arious.

Not every subject I address on my blog has to be serious. No one needs to tell me that I should smile or laugh more.

So forgive me if I imbibe something that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. (Nothing illegal. I swear.)

Oh! I feel so much better after doing my own personal Vesuvius. Ahhh. That and I was feeling 'weird' yesterday. I always go crazy right after visiting the folks. Each visit reminds me of why I don't stay over night at their place, even though Mom keeps asking.


*******

I smiled at the young man who handed me my hot Chai Tea, the fragrant spices from the beverage filling my nose, to my delight . I've seen him every time I came down to the bistro, for about a month now. His Carribean blue eyes were calm and restful. His hands were strong and kind. He touched my hand by accident and I felt something dry and papery slip into my palm.

I was nervous and stuck the paper into a pocket without looking at it.

I took my hot drink and strolled along the boulevard, taking in the sights and sounds of everyday activity in downtown Portland. Mothers with rebellious children pass me, and I hold back my sigh of relief that I don't have children. Birds chirp in the trees overhead and I window shop some of the best stores that Portland has to offer as I finish my drink.

I toss the empty cup in a conveniently located garbage can and I remember the scrap of paper still in my pocket. I pull it out, expecting his phone number or a phony come on line.

I find instead this: You are special and lovely. It was written in clumsily scribbled cursive, but it touched my heart. Now give this to someone else who you know can use a pick-me-up.

*Above scenario did not actually occur.

But ALL my readers are special and lovely/dashingly handsome. Depending on your sex, of course.

If I'm being entirely honest with myself, I think I love to torture me. I talk to people, confide in them, get to like them--and then try to shove them away. It's the one thing I am good at.

I don't know why. All I know is that it has to stop or I'm going to end up hurting myself to the point where I'll just go off the deep end.

I am trying not to wallow in anything. I am trying, in fact, to struggle out of this quagmire I'm in. Nothing is working. Not writing, not talking, not venting, not anything. I hate the misery I feel and the utter desolation that I keep hidden from everyone. (Not anymore, I guess) I would give my right arm and leg to simply be content with my life. Religion doesn't help, therapy sure as hell didn't help. I feel desperate and I am trying to find some hope to cling to. Unfortunately, I've clung to people before and I drove them away.

I don't like being this miserable and the trouble with filling my life with activities, is that the underlying problems that cause the anguish are still there and still need to be dealt with.

I would deal with them but I haven't the foggiest idea with what is bothering me. Well, of where to start anyhow. Maybe it's because I feel I should have done more to help people or of a deep inborn sense of never feeling wanted, always given to the insecurity of wondering if what I have to say will make someone that I care for 'vanish' from my life. If people are curious as to why I am cautious about my e-mails...there's your answer.

Maybe it's abandonment that is tearing me up inside or knowing I will never fully trust another human being. Thanks, Mommies. I'm a seriously fucked up person because of the both of you. Thanks a lot.

I am angry with myself that I let these negative feeling control me. I will them to go away whenever I reach this 'low'. I've made it a point to find a positive idea to focus on, and that helps most of the time. Look, I don't want to concentrate on the negative aspects of my life, I want and need to move on.

I WANT TO MOVE ON! I don't want to give the assholes in my life more power than I already have. I just can't. I don't know why.

What I got for Christmas...

A lavender leather wallet (which I love)
Candy--mostly chocolate (which I don't need but will eat anyway. I plan on sharing with pals.)
Cookies.
Skarf
Gloves
A Mystique Action Figure.
Simpsons Season Seven (BOO YAH!)
A ten pound ham. (What the hell...I can't eat 10 lbs of anything.)
And a really, really sharp kitchen knife. (Someone loves me.)

And the most important and valued 'presents' I have received--well wishes from my reader(s).

As for what I want to accomplish for the New Year, I don't know. Maybe it'll mean leaving the cyber world and making another attempt at real life 'normalcy'. I hope I don't have to leave the internet alone, but I'm the kind of person that gets dependant on things and/or people. I get clingy. Co-dependant would be the technical term. I have severe emotional problems.

*Shrugs* I'll just have to see.

What Color is Your Soul? {8 results + artsitic pics}
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Soul is Grey - Maverick, pariah, twisted. Well arn't you just the unique one? People have a hard time understanding you in general, and you don't understand them. Your strangness has set you apart, and made you a loner. But have no fear, there is so much beaty in individuality! Embrace your insanity, and be known for it. Don't change, there are those who will love you for who you really are.

The Slowly Becoming Lost Art of Conversation

It might be me, but I think a conversation consists of just more than one reply from either participant of aforementioned exchange of spoken (or written) words. I like conversations worth having. I like exploring ideas and concepts in depth. I like reading what other people have to say or what they think about a particular subject. I throughly masticate any new theories or thoughts brought up. I AM INTELLIGENT, DAMMIT.

But if a person says they want to have a talk with me, forgive me if I have expectations of it being a good one. I appreciate, I don't need it, feedback on what I said, whether you agree with me or not. Hmm. I think I'll confer with my roomie about this topic. I certainly don't want to come off sounding hostile.

**Insert Your Choice of Cheery Elevator Music Here**

Ok, I'm back. My roommate says that guys just say what they think needs to be said and fine ladies like me prefer to mash things over, leaving no stone unturned. So to speak. Her explanation makes sense to me. Guys=concise. Ladies=longwinded chatterboxes.

So I will no longer feel insulted or hurt if the discussion is shorter than I anticipated. If I were truly boring or if my conversation was 'not valued', people would simply ignore me.

....Hello? Anyone listening? :)

Heh heh heh...

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

I've been quiet today because I got Simpsons Season 7. Yeah, I've been watching it. So many good episodes are in this season from 22 Short Films to Lisa the Iconoclast and Bart the Fink.

Some of them are quite thought provoking. From Lisa the Iconoclast, I thought that perhaps the IDEA and meaning of a particular religious or secular figure is more important that the actual truth. For example, perhaps St. Nick was a crabby old man just itchin' to give a kid a switchin' but over time, maybe X-mas became something more important like giving and sharing joy. The reason for X-mas presents may be lost throught the foggy and senile mind of time, but what X-mas is supposed to symbolize (regardless of religion or lack thereof) is vital to us all.

I choose to see this as a time of joy, instead of a religious observance. I'm not going to be able to hang out with the people I might like to, but life is just full of little sacrifices that we have to do. So I'm going to be a woman and suck in my misgivings and deal with my relatives. Politely.

Love, Peace, and Eggnog to all.

Not getting anything for X-mas. That's ok. I like giving more than getting.

I was trying to be humorous in my previous post, but *shrugs* that's ok.

I want to thank all of you that take time to send me an email. Thank you so much. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Thank you for making me feel just a little bit accepted, a little bit wanted. I apologize if my advice stunk and I apologize if any of my words caused discomfiture. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you to those of you that CARE.

I want to thank even my cat, Lucky, who always knows when I'm depressed and always gives me kitty kisses.

Take care of yourselves.

My Personal Quote of the Day (taken entirely out of context)

"I don't mind if my friends kill me, but Jebus Help them if they stab me in the back!" --Me to an AIM buddy, referring to the carnage encouraging Halo 2.

Well, I don't have anything interesting to say so I ripped off the meme off Annush and RAD.
1. Mel
2. Wicked
3. WonderCorky
4. Annush
5. R

Next select 5 friends to piss off:
I don't have 5 friends to piss off and I likes it that way.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was working at a Plaid Pantry. Not fun.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Trying to avoid X-mas familial obligations. X-mas parties? Blech.

5 snacks you enjoy:
1. Dark Chocolate Kisses
2. Cherries
3. Chewy Granola Bars
4. Cookies
5. York Peppermint Patties

5 songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. The One I Love by David Gray
2. Down With The Sickness by Disturbed
3. Love Me Tender by Elvis
4. Dirty Laundry by Don Henley
5. You're Beautiful by James Blunt

5 things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1. Give two of my blogpals $10,000. I share because I care.
2. Pay off my car.
3. MOVE.
4. Think about going to college.
5. Get a kick ass computer.

5 bad habits:
1. Biting my nails
2. Internet
3. Put myself down
4. Too generous
5. Hot tempered, baby, check it and seeeeee.

5 things you like doing:
1. Writing
2. Kicking zombie booty in a video game
3. Reading
4. Being naughty with the people I love.
5. Avoiding the folks

5 things you would never wear again:

1. A band uniform
2. Uncomfortable bras
3. Hawaiian Shirts
4. Lingerie that goes up my butt. Don't ask.
5. Anything blindingly yellow.

5 favorite toys:
1. GameCube
2. Xbox
3. PS2
4. CD Walkman
5. I love my car.

For Gramma

This song reminds of Gramma, at least the Johnny Cash version. I want to remember her today. She died in 2003 on this date while I was watching Return of the King.

If I were like Dear Abby...

If I were an advice columnist...
Here's some of the letters I'd get..

***********************
Dear R,

I have a crush on a proctologist. What should I do to show my love?

Ashamed Shy and Single.


My response:

Dear ASS,

Bare it and share it! Nothing says "I love you" to that kind of doctor more than a full 'moon'.

***********************

Dear R,

My mother annoys me by giving me something religious for Christmas every year. She knows I'm an atheist. Last year, she got me a porcelain Nativity set! I'm at my wits' end. I'm tired of her trying to force her religion on me! Help!!!

Tired Of Religious Persecution In Detroit

My response:

Dear TORPID,

Here's a creative answer to your problem. Buy some red paint (perhaps some other craft supplies as well) and then go to a comic book store and see if you can purchase an Ash (Evil Dead) figure. Watch Evil Dead and wait for inspiration to strike. Then decorate the figures accordingly, acting out (perhaps) a favorite scene from the movie. Maybe splash a little red paint on your diorama for added effect. If it came with some sort of backdrop, like a barn, it won't take much effort to make it look like the infamous cabin from the movie.

Then set it up and wait for the kudos on your mad artistic skillz to roll in.

Once your mother sees it, I bet you that she won't give you anything religious again. As a bonus, she may not even talk to you for awhile.

***********************

So, you can see it's a good thing that I am not an advice columnist.

In case one was wondering, I DO have too much time on my hands!

I'm a Classy Dame

Katharine Hepburn You scored 28% grit, 33% wit, 38% flair, and 14% class!

You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women. Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the Classic Leading Man Test.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 68% on grit You scored higher than 65% on wit You scored higher than 52% on flair You scored higher than 20% on class

Link: The Classic Dames Test written by gidgetgoes on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Fun with the Founding Fathers (and Abe)

"I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved--the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!" - John Adams, letter to Thomas Jefferson

I don't think John Adams was against Christianity, per se, but rather to the extremes to which it was taken throughout history (up to 1776, anyhow)...i.e
Crusades, witch burnings and other atrocities.

"Experience witnesseth that ecclesiastical establishments, instead of maintaining the purity and efficacy of religion, have had a contrary operation. During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution." - James Madison, "A Memorial and Remonstrance", 1785

I have a firm belief that organized religion bears many simliarities to organized crime.

'Tis our true policy to steer clear of permanent Alliances, with any portion of the foreign world. George Washington, Farewell Address, September 19, 1796

I wasn't able to get the whole farewell address, but I wonder if this means he'd disapprove of our involvment in the U.N, or with our policy of getting 'interested' in other countries' disputes.

"Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism." George Washington, Farewell Address, September 19, 1796

True patriotism is criticizing the government and not merely agreeing with the majority.

"The government of the United States is in no sense founded on the Christian Religion." -President George Washington (Acts Passed at the First Session of the Fifth Congress of the United States of America (Philadelphia: William Ross, 1797), pp. 43-44.)

I posted this comment on my other defunct blog, but I like it.

"The Bible is not my book, nor Christianity my religion." -President Abraham Lincoln

I think he believed in God, but rejected people's interpretations of their version of the truth. As I said before, people are flawed. People are inclined to twist words to fit their needs or just outright lie.

This weekend, despite being drug to my roomie's so-so company X-Mas party, was relaxing. I like being a recluse.

I had an Alternative Comic Book Movie-a-thon:

Sin City
Constantine
Hellboy

Next Sunday? (Or maybe tomorrow because I MAY get a snow day) Batman-o-Rama.
Batman
Batman Returns
Batman (with that delightfully hot Mr. Bale. Yum.) Begins


Yes, I blatantly ripped off a themed movie night off of one of my blogpals. The culprit knows who he/she is. I thought it sounded interesting. Ok, I admit, it gave me an excuse to geek out on my love of comic books.

Oh, Memoirs of A Geisha is a must read. It is a marvelous piece of literature and worth reading even if you know nothing about Asian culture. The story transcends cultural boundaries. It is well crafted and lyrical. It is written so well, I almost could believe that it happened.

Yeah, I know my camera is subpar...but hey, it's better than nothing! 

More Snow!! 

Snow!! 

Happy Holidays! 

My five fave Simpsons Episodes

Kamp Krusty--where Bart and Lisa go to Krusty's Craptacular Camp.

Bart the Murderer--Bart gets a job from Fat Tony and then Principal Skinner disappears after ticking Fat Tony off.

Bart of Darkness--a homage to a Hitchcock movie, Rear Window. Bart spies suspicious behavior from Flanders and suspects that he killed Maude.

Lisa's Sax--how Lisa got her sax. Duh.

"Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"--Bart brings his dog to school for show and tell and Skinner is fired.

I keep getting turned down for dates (from people I could get interested in) and I keep getting asked by people I have no desire to see.

I might as well be a nun.

I could regret saying this, but when I was a young and naive young girl, I thought I would like being a nun, dedicating my life to something bigger than myself. Even then at nine, I did not want the life of a housewife. But here's the funny thing, I wasn't even Catholic...I was a Lutheran, yet I still felt a 'pull'. I guess I thought I could make a difference in the world. I guess I always wanted to do something. Maybe I wanted to be embraced by the glory of God.

I think even then, I knew that my slack aka--and Irish-- looking face (out of makeup) would not be very appealing.

Here's where I started to lose my faith: about ten or eleven, I started getting an idea of what lesbians and bi-sexuals were and I prayed to be straight. I prayed so hard not to be like that. I told Jesus I would dedicate my life to doing pure things if he let me not be bi-sexual.

Well, I got myself into trouble. The kind of trouble I will not mention because I was trying to be something I am not.

The moral of the story: I'm not a nun and I am not straight. I never WANTED to be like this and I thought that being a nun would protect me from sexual thoughts and or desires. I got hurt because I tried to force myself into being all woman, 100% hetero.

I wish. 

Of mice and idiots (otherwise known as men)

Can The Secret of Nimh become a reality? Does the world really need mice to grow human cells?

CHIPs Movie? Oh un-Lord...do we really need another cheesy 70's or 80's TV show to be made into a cinematic waste of time and film?

Patriot-X-- I can get into my gmail account but it doesn't let me into our conversations. Please be patient

Internet addiction is real

I am addicted to the internet and always will be. I do not say this as a joke. I mean it. Over the past few months, I realized just how hooked I was. It got so bad that I preferred the internet over reading. Reading! I loved getting home so I could read e-mails. It made me feel good that I was connecting with people creatively. It was great. I had fun and it killed the boredom. I developed friendships with many of the people and I loved it. I IM'd people constantly when I wasn't busy writing for the game.

Well, after I couldn't keep up the online game any more, I slipped into a deep depression because I missed that connection with others.

I am much healthier for realizing my addiction to the 'Net was taking its toll on me. Creatively, intra and interpersonally (at home), and for psychological reasons...I needed to wake up and start thinking of what to do INSTEAD of being constantly on the Internet. The Simpsons and finding good books to read helped me deal with the constant itch to 'see' what's new.

Now, I spend a hour and a half online compared to four plus hours every day....I think that's an improvement.

After much consideration, I'm glad that my little blog doesn't have a huge following. I can only "handle" the two (or so) fellow weirdos that read what I have to say as it is. I want this blog to be my naughty little secret.

In some respects, the blogosphere is a lot like high school. Some blogs are immensely popular, some are so flippin' funny you have no choice but to like them and some stay under the radar and out of sight. (Like Yours Truly) Bloggers form cliques, bloggers follow the lives and tribulations of their fellow bloggers. If some are lucky, they'll find some that are truly cool people. It's even rarer to find a SUPPORTIVE blogger, and I found TWO. I'm grateful that you take the time to read these humble words of mine. Mwah. (I bet you would good in those garters, Grant.)

Bloggers form e-friendships, linked to together by sharing words and thoughts and experiences. The blogosphere is a fun tool to talk to people I would never know, yet I need 'real' people too which I have come to realize.

I think that I've relied on online people to fill my need for companionship. Uh-uh. No more. I sought out ways to deal (or not deal, as the case may be) with various problems in my life with being someone other than me and when I tried to be me, I fell apart because I forgot who I was. I lost myself.

I deserve more than an online life.

[EDIT: Tomorrow, I'm going to wear my Marv shirt and see what happens.

Meme.

Stolen from Grant and Cerebral Outpost.

RULES

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment here on my blog with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished leaving your comment, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you. I think this will be fun for all; like a bowl of Skittles and M&M's mixed; a color and a flavor for everyone!

This is from PostSecret, but I'd like to dedicate it to a few people.  

The Night Santa Went Crazy by Weird Al

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath

From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all- now you're all gonna DIE!"

The night Santa when crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been getting' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News and helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin' and everyone's dyin'
to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night
With er lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talking' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of getting' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something must have snapped... in his brain

I just realized something about myself; the more I like a person, the more neurotic I get. I'm a reasonable human being when I just LIKE the person. But if I think someone is attractive, I slip into dangerous perhaps-it's-time-to-commit-myself territory.

(Note-this is not about any of my e-friends. This is simply a general observation.)

I overanalyze what I say, so that I (hopefully) don't look like a complete idiot, and I know that I'm not being true to myself if I edit my words. I don't know how to effectively convey that someone is damn fine....and acknowledge that it is ok to think that someone has a nice butt and imagination. (The ability to imagine is a 'turn-on' for me.) I find it scary that people would be flattered, and not laugh at me, to know that I find them hot. Maybe I'm still afraid of having sexual feelings or perhaps I have such a deep rooted fear of intimacy that it'll be almost impossible to overcome. Who knows?

Books

At the local bookstore giant, Barnes and Noble, I saw Memoirs of a Geisha and since I love Asian culture so much, I decided to buy it and give it a go. (I read a few pages and it is very lyrical and beautiful so far.)

I wondered if they had books by the author that had started my fascination with Asia (particularily China and Japan. I don't know much about Thailand, Korea, and the other countries in that continent).

I remember having to read The Good Earth by Pearl Buck as an assigment. I had no interest in reading it because I was into Science Fiction. Historical fiction? Pbbbbth on that! I thought it was lame but I gave it a chance. I loved The Good Earth from the first page and the characters came to life for me. It also began an awareness that being poor isn't always a person's fault. Bad things happen to even those people that work hard.

Speed forward eighteen years to the present... I went looking for Imperial Woman, my favorite Pearl Buck novel. I didn't find it, but I found a novel of hers I haven't digested yet--Pavillion Women.

Jebus, I love reading.

Men just don't handle love well

Hmmm. After seeing James Blunt's You're Beautiful music video (stick with it to the end. Link is in the title), I was reminded of this sad yet oddly romantic short film.

Men accuse women of going all weird when they fall in wuv. Well, at least most of us don't want to blow ourselves up.

Won't someone strap on violently combustible chemicals and explode for me? PLEASE? I will appreciate the thought...

*Disclaimer from R's legal representative: She does not condone illegal activity that hastens your demise. She meant 'explode' in the metaphorical sense of the word.

As I sit here, tormented by the utter blankness of my word processing program, I wonder what is going through my mind. Thoughts escape me, not unlike how the proof of the existence of ghosts elude paranormal hunters.

I find myself pondering the intricasies of writing, and how I can write effectively.

I found POSITIVE things to focus on today, instead of lingering in my negativity. Well, I kept myself busy doing work TOO..but that's neither here or there.

I'm really nervous right now. The search for my mother has begun. It's why I have been in such a funk for several days. So I apologize right now if I've been whiny, bitchy or just plain co-dependant.

:-)

I AM BACK.

I have too much time on my hands. 

On the way home 

Feeling under the weather so I'm taking a few days to recover. 

Spending a week in the Psych ward sounds relaxing.

I've been having some horrific nightmares (off and on) for the past several months. I now have a hard time falling asleep some nights because I do not feel safe in a creaky, old mobile home.

I just don't feel safe. I 'feel' hands around my throat when I dream that nightmare and I wake up in a cold sweat. Then, I try to talk myself into catching some z's. All I know is that I need to get some quality 'down' time or it'll start impacting my ability to concentrate.

Hmm. I can't check out all my blogger buddies sites...sites I am addicted to I will add...yet I can log onto Blogger.

Hmmm. Makes me want to shell out money for a REAL site. I want options like deciding whether or not to make a post public or private also. Sure, people may have to register to read the private posts, but it could be worth it in the end.

But...in the meantime, I think I'll just keep my more cheerful thoughts on this blog and hide away my inner most thoughts on another one.

[Update: I added more of my Nanostory on my other blog.]

Post #96

Is it just me or do blogs that involve the topics of sex, drugs, violence and whiny teenage romance/heartbreak extremely popular?

Well, the topic of sex is out for me.

Drugs...only some alcohol on occasion.

Violence? I restrict my urge for mayhem to innocent video games or writing some very disturbed lyrics that illustrate the depths of my anger.

Whiny teenage romance? Well, I'm not a teen anymore (thank the Jebus) and I choose to live a lonely life rather than settle for someone just to fit in or to make myself feel better. I hope someone chokes me if I EVER say "So and so is completely lovely and he completes me! Tee-hee!"

Hmmph.

So what do I have to blog about? I offer my honesty and I submit my opinions up for your perusal. That'll have to be enough because the more I write and explore the depths of my own mind, the more I realize that I am not as learned as I think I am. I'm not putting myself down...but I have room to grow intellectually.

This is in not connected to the first topic I brought up (oh, wait it is related) but God needs you to save the kittens.

George Martin.

http://georgerrmartin.com/

This is his OFFICIAL site and I'm probably going to put it up in the links section.


There's only one thing I don't like about AFFC and that is how he split the book. I feel that maybe he didn't want to keep his fans waiting so he released what he had. That's the impression I got. I don't feel satisfied with what I've read so far. (I'm almost done!)

Here's who I like in the series:

Jaime. (He's growing on me like mold)
Tyrion.
Dany
Jon Snow (I think he's Lyanna's son for some strange reason.)
Arya

Here's who I'd like to suffer a painful death:

All the Frickin' Freys
CERSEI
Littlefinger
All the ironmen

More things about me..(continued from Oct).

26. I appreciate e-mails; I don't feel quite so lonely when I get one.

27. I worry about my sanity. I know there is something wrong with me.

28. I wish I could be myself...and still be accepted.

29. Starved for love, but 'overfed' on food.

30. I can't abide fundie "mental" anything.

31. I believe that God is made up by us to justify our existance.

32. What I really want is peace and quiet in my head.

33. I wonder if I'm interesting.

34. I base my life on the teachings of the Grinch (pre-redemption)

35. I used to live for a love that was never really there.

36. Every day, I try to find something positive as a way of de-depressing myself.

37. I feel lost on occasion and I like it.

38. If I could venture back in time, I wouldn't.

39. I love certified smartasses.

40. If there is one thing I loathe, it is backstabbers. That is the one misdeed I cannot forgive.

41. My friends mean everything to me.

42. I used to have to hide my stories in my books when I lived with my folks because my step mom would find them and tell me I wasn't any good.

Marching Sucks

A long time ago in a high school far, far away... I played flute in the band. Our band instructor thought it might be an awesome idea to do a parade. The Starlight Parade. How wrong he was...that was and still is my opinion.

We had to learn how to march and play at the same time. It is not easy to breathe at the correct times when playing an instrument, let alone moving at the same time. We wore itchy polyester black and gold uniforms with bright yellow, fuzzy hats that had the semblance of a Marge Simpson Hairdo. We called them Q-tips. (They were handy for storing stuff, though.)

To my dismay, all the bands were evaluated by a member of the Marine Corp before the actual marching part of the parade. Yeah. Fun times. Anyhow, he examined EVERYONE in the band and when he came in front of me...well, I have a weird reaction when I get nervous. I laugh hysterically. Don't worry, I held it in because I didn't think the Marine would take it kindly if I burst out in laughter. He must have caught a fleeting glimpse of my nervousness, because he ran a white glove over my flute.

I never want to be almost nose-to-nose with a Marine again. I apparently I passed inspection, though, because he left me alone.

Then...there was the 'joy' of trudging along a two and a half mile route being gawked at while tootling on my flute. It wasn't a FUN experience and it taught me that marching, in a band anyhow, is basically a pain and not worth the bother.