If I were like Dear Abby...

If I were an advice columnist...
Here's some of the letters I'd get..

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Dear R,

I have a crush on a proctologist. What should I do to show my love?

Ashamed Shy and Single.


My response:

Dear ASS,

Bare it and share it! Nothing says "I love you" to that kind of doctor more than a full 'moon'.

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Dear R,

My mother annoys me by giving me something religious for Christmas every year. She knows I'm an atheist. Last year, she got me a porcelain Nativity set! I'm at my wits' end. I'm tired of her trying to force her religion on me! Help!!!

Tired Of Religious Persecution In Detroit

My response:

Dear TORPID,

Here's a creative answer to your problem. Buy some red paint (perhaps some other craft supplies as well) and then go to a comic book store and see if you can purchase an Ash (Evil Dead) figure. Watch Evil Dead and wait for inspiration to strike. Then decorate the figures accordingly, acting out (perhaps) a favorite scene from the movie. Maybe splash a little red paint on your diorama for added effect. If it came with some sort of backdrop, like a barn, it won't take much effort to make it look like the infamous cabin from the movie.

Then set it up and wait for the kudos on your mad artistic skillz to roll in.

Once your mother sees it, I bet you that she won't give you anything religious again. As a bonus, she may not even talk to you for awhile.

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So, you can see it's a good thing that I am not an advice columnist.

In case one was wondering, I DO have too much time on my hands!