If I'm being entirely honest with myself, I think I love to torture me. I talk to people, confide in them, get to like them--and then try to shove them away. It's the one thing I am good at.

I don't know why. All I know is that it has to stop or I'm going to end up hurting myself to the point where I'll just go off the deep end.

I am trying not to wallow in anything. I am trying, in fact, to struggle out of this quagmire I'm in. Nothing is working. Not writing, not talking, not venting, not anything. I hate the misery I feel and the utter desolation that I keep hidden from everyone. (Not anymore, I guess) I would give my right arm and leg to simply be content with my life. Religion doesn't help, therapy sure as hell didn't help. I feel desperate and I am trying to find some hope to cling to. Unfortunately, I've clung to people before and I drove them away.

I don't like being this miserable and the trouble with filling my life with activities, is that the underlying problems that cause the anguish are still there and still need to be dealt with.

I would deal with them but I haven't the foggiest idea with what is bothering me. Well, of where to start anyhow. Maybe it's because I feel I should have done more to help people or of a deep inborn sense of never feeling wanted, always given to the insecurity of wondering if what I have to say will make someone that I care for 'vanish' from my life. If people are curious as to why I am cautious about my e-mails...there's your answer.

Maybe it's abandonment that is tearing me up inside or knowing I will never fully trust another human being. Thanks, Mommies. I'm a seriously fucked up person because of the both of you. Thanks a lot.

I am angry with myself that I let these negative feeling control me. I will them to go away whenever I reach this 'low'. I've made it a point to find a positive idea to focus on, and that helps most of the time. Look, I don't want to concentrate on the negative aspects of my life, I want and need to move on.

I WANT TO MOVE ON! I don't want to give the assholes in my life more power than I already have. I just can't. I don't know why.