Yesterday....

A long time "friend" managed to track me down at work. Because I can't talk at work, duh, I gave her my phone number. Now, I have some personal history with this woman and my heart beat quickly when she talked to me, remembered thoughts playing havok with my heart.. She told me about her abusive ex-husband (whom I want to kill painfully) and more about her little girl.

We caught up and she, on a lark, invited me over to her house. I don't think she expected me to take her up on it but I did. We had fun talking but there was an underlying tension....which made us both nervous. (Her daughter was in bed before I got there.)

Me? Flirt? I don't kiss and tell.

I slept (or not slept, rather) on the couch. I think I may have caught two or three hours...(yawn) before having to go to work. I met her daughter, who is so sweet. I like kids when they are well mannered and her daughter is a joy. During the visit, I got the vibe that she'd love to be my girlfriend, but I really want to think about it before I jump in. I mean, she has a kid and if I date the Mom, I'm also getting involved in the kid's life. Do I want to make that investment? I'm not positive. Can I make that investment? Again, not positive.

I am tired so I'm not writing any more for the night. *YAWN* I just want to cuddle up with a blanket and watch TV.

Corporate America

One of the definitions of being crazy is repeating the same action over and over again, hoping to get a different result.

Hmm. I'm not guilty of that at all. Honestly.

I digress. I would like to add another definition. Crazy is also working in corporate America and having to go to meetings which aren't really productive and utterly forgettable--wasting time that could go to ~gasp!~ making sure work gets done.

Sometimes I feel as if these meetings are their way of saying 'You are happy here. You belong to the Corporation until you die. Or retire.'

I say, "O fellow proletariats of Corporate America, let us free ourselves from the shackles of Oppression. Let us break away from this negative utopia and form society in our image! Where we can blog at work without fear of Big Brother! And where we can think what we want without the Thought Police."

Oh dear. The novel, 1984, has made a lasting impression on my imaginative mind. Lord help us all.

Live action Simpsons Video!

Click on title. It's actually pretty cool! EDIT: LINK NOT WORKING. YOU'LL HAVE TO SEARCH FOR IT. I RECOMMEND GOOGLE.

In other infotainment news, I'm not sure what is grosser about the new Brittany Spears statue. (I'm sure you've all heard about it by now. If not, google it.) I'm not sure if I find it repugnant because she's giving "birth" to Federline spawn or because the statue is supposed to be Brittany. (I nominate her for the World's Worst Mother '06.)

Giving birth is a symbolically beautiful thing, and I feel the statue misrepresents what having a baby is really like. Sweaty, messy, and excruitatingly painful. It most definitely shouldn't be glamourized.

Motherhood...

There are reasons I'm not a mother.

Number one, I'd be really tempted to homeschool (gasp) my children. I'm intelligent enough to teach. I lack faith in public schools, though not for same reasons others may lack faith.

• Children tend to learn better when they are taught by someone who knows them.
• Our public schools are underfunded, understaffed, and it's too easy for a child to slip through the cracks of an imperfect system.
• TEASING. It's a bigger problem than you'd think.
• Hate is a learned behavior, and I would want to moderate what my child is exposed to.
• As for socialization, I'd find other parents that home-schooled. There's a co-op of home-schoolers in town, actually.

Number two, I'm kind of lazy, though the laziness would vanish if I had a child.

Number three, I can't afford a child. I guess I want one, though, but only if I can give him/her a good life.

Number four, I'm not married. Sorry, not having a child out of wedlock.

Here's one of the fiends that won't let me sleep! She's trying to kill the camera. 

Just another Manic Monday... Wish it were Friday

Ok, this post will mean nothing to you if you don't belong to fanfiction.net. I have a fan! Someone wrote to me telling me that she likes my take on certain Sin City characters. *cough* Wendy*cough* Yay!!!! I HAVE A FAN!!!!!!!!!! (I'm not counting blog fans, since I'd love to be a well respected author, and this blog is a way for me to socialize and vent without hurting others.)

Let me tell you, getting a review really lifted my spirits from yesterday's funk. It was like a...cybersmile to me. Small gestures mean so much to me, much more than large empty ones. I'm funny like that.

I've always known that I can write. Not like Stephen King but I have my own style that is better than run-of-the-mill but not quite up to being the stuff of legend. Let me just say, I don't think I'll be leaving behind literary classics when I kick the bucket. I think I'd like being the next Emily Dickinson, however. Just kidding.

What's on my tired, work addled mind....

Let people be people.
Let me sleep, you darn cats!
Laugh.
Have faith in something.
Must write....characters are poking me in the back of my head.

Do you ever wonder what if I had said this or done that instead? Cause I do. I wonder if I would I feel less alone if I behaved differently Why do I go absolutely NuTs when I care for someone new? I don't have this problem with people I've known a long time--just people that I attempt to 'let in'.

Sometimes, I feel myself clawing up the slippery slope of Self Doubts and Insecurity to try to be a better person. I don't want to see mirages of hidden motives. I do not want to be so worried about being hurt that I forget to live life.

I try to let go of the past, but it still has a way of creeping back in and tainting my thoughts and outlook.

I contemplate, on occasion, if I want to hurt. I have a hard time staying in therapy.

You know, I feel sorry for those people who cut others out of their life. I do. It means, to me, that they find it easier to quit. Well, I don't give up on anyone I care for. Quitting is not my style. I fight, I yell, I become a little hellcat, but I work things out.

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. Your logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so. You have a hard time ending relationships, even if the other person says it's over.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

Ok, so we had a plumbing emergency several days ago. (Hot water faucet broke off in my hand. Couldn't shut it off so I had to turn off all water to the house. Long story. It's amusing, but I'm not going to share. Involves partial nudity and running around like a chicken with my head cut off.)

Labor -- $130
Parts -- +$37

equals $167 for two hours work. Yikes!

I haven't felt much like blogging and I refuse to force myself.

My father got tested for colon cancer and we won't know the results for awhile, since the 'samples' had to be sent to a bigger facility. I'll spare you the uncomfortable details on how the 'samples' were obtained. Let's just say he has to take it easy for a few days.

I'm not going to worry until a diagnosis of cancer has been confirmed or ruled out. Why drive myself crazy? But I haven't felt in the mood for writing, either.

More to come. I'm sure.

I just don't want anyone else in my family to get sick. My father hasn't even retired yet. I know we disagree about a lot of things, but he does have good qualities as well.

I've liked Hugo Weaving in everything I've seen him in. The Matrix, LOTR, The Interview, Priscilla Queen of the Desert. (He plays a drag queen). Although I haven't seen V for Vendetta yet, I'm sure that he turned out a fine performance. Still, I must see V for Vendetta...Soon.

All it'll take for me to completely geek out about Mr. Weaving is if he gets involved in a X-Men movie!

He may soon join the sacred conclave of my favorite actors...Gary Sinise, Gary Oldman, Johnny Depp, Ian McKellan, Mickey Rourke. Mmmm. Marv...

Ahhh...the halcyon days of youth. When I wasn’t afraid of getting hurt from doing a stupid stunt. I wish I could capture the innocent arrogance of my teenage years.

Also, I’d like the figure I had back. At twelve, I had an eighteen year old’s body. Yeah. Just ask my long time friend, Quiet Girl. I got....teased quite frequently and had I known then what I know now, I would have just chalked the comments up to immaturity. I was teased for other reasons as well, but it’d be better for me not to go into them.

For the record, do not say “Yes” when some moron asks you if you play the skin flute. Just don’t. It took me awhile to realize what the young idiot was referring to and I got so embarrassed, I blushed and looked away whenever I saw him.

Then again....I still feel young at heart and although my happiness about my life is in a constant state of flux, I am glad I’m different than that socially awkward girl.

Wait...I’m still socially awkward but I’m a lot happier.

(Sorry, I just don’t have much to talk about.)

Cool...The Iliad comes to life

I’ve always been fascinated with mythology and fantasy, though to be honest, I haven’t successfully waded through the archaic muddle that is the Iliad. But I watched parts of Troy. (well, parts of Brad Pitt anyhow. Err, too much information.)

Mmm. Brad Pitt.... Ok, I’m back from Fantasy Island. Really....

I propose this as a solution to boring history lessons. Make more movies (well made, that is) with hot actors/actresses to get young [read: pop culture addicted] adults interested in learning about the past. And I hope movie producers do not sanitize how life was back then. Show how hard it was to survive. Show the drama and struggle and how politics was back then. Even more cutthroat than it is now. I think making a historic movie that is actually authentic would be fascinating to watch.

People make a first impression even on their blogs, I've noticed. Usually the post at the top of the page lets me know if I think the blog is interesting enough to keep reading. I know that is superficial, but I keep on hoping and searching for ... I have no idea. Perhaps the ideal blog? Like the ideal man, I'm sure it's impossible to find. :D

I guess I am looking for like-minded individuals.

Anyway, I'm reading Wolves of the Calla by Stephen King now. Well, to be truthful, again. I gotta say that the Dark Tower series is one of the best series these eyeballs have looked at... It's deep, complex and entirely engrossing.

Still working on my comic book graphic novel idea and when the time comes to find an artist, I hope that I can find one that I like and isn't shy about exploring the depths of religion. I do not want to be sacriligious, and I refuse to make fun of religion in my graphic novel, but I do want to dissect the psychological reasons that religion is so embraced by humanity.

So I joined Blogexplosion– which seems to be a blog promotion service that brings more traffic to your site. I’ve actually heard of it a long time ago, but was reticent in exposing my blog (or to be more precise, my inner most thoughts) to criticism and ~gulp~ evaluation.

Then, today, I thought it might be good for me to let people critique me. Maybe it’ll help me to develop a thicker skin. Maybe I’ll run into cool bloggers. So I guess this will be some sort of experiment... I’ll let you, my faithful readers, know how it goes.

What I just read:

X-Men The End: Book One. Dreamers and Demons.

I have a few gripes with this book, mostly because I think certain characters... Well, I can’t tell you. It’ll give away what’s happening. Let’s just say Cable should be tougher and smarter. I don’t like the way he’s been written in that comic at all.

I guess I’m just going to have to get the other books and read ‘em.

Have a good day and take care.

Haven't Done A Silly Quiz In Awhile

Your Band Name is:

The Supersized Housewives

Band Name Generator

[EDIT] LINK IS IN THE TITLE IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THE SILLY LITTLE MEME.

Blogger screwed up. This morning’s post actually belonged to Thursday. Oh well. Maybe I’ll move to Typepad when I can afford it. I like the idea of password protection and being able to create categories...

I get ... in these thought patterns that I’m not quite good enough or deserve to be happy with someone that cares. Then, after some rest, I feel happy about myself and I have a positive attitude again. My self esteem seems to do the roller coaster effect (that is up and down and around n’ round until I want to puke and groan in agony) on occasion.

I just have bad moments when I don’t feel quite up to snuff, that I’m sub par in anything. Those thoughts usually follows a panic attack, which I did have. What brought the panic attack on? I can’t say until I find out if... Well, I know I am teasing my readers, but I don’t want to excite/depress myself over nothing. So I’m playing the waiting game and to be frank, it’s wearing on me.

I am fine.

:-)

It’s ok to backslide a little when I’m growing as a person, as long as I pick myself up to keep on trying! Anyway, these are some lyrics that I love. When I’m in a self defeatist mood, they inspire to be who I want to be.

how far you've come

You'd have a wonderful day
If you could see how lucky you are
Now don't get carried away with your heart
You're better where you are

You're not the only one
Who's failed to hang on to a moving star
Now don't be sorry, what's done now is done
And this is who you are

These days feel numbered and long
There's no one to speak of
There's no one at all
But you're not the reason that everyone's gone
That's not how they are

There is no system to change
No conditions are made
No permissions to start
Now don't go drawing lines in the sand
That's not who you are

Sometimes a high wall is just a wall
Sometimes it's only there to make sure you feel small
Or may be there to save you from the depths of a much deeper fall

The truth will not set you free
It's okay to believe that you're not good enough
God is not angry, not blind, deaf or dumb
He knows how far you've come

This post brought to you by Depressator. The ANTI anti-depressant. Get some wherever bad moods are sold.

Seriously, I’ll feel better soon. I’m just tired and sad and lonely. It’s getting increasingly difficult to write. Bitterness is waging a war with hope and faith for my soul, for who I really am.

I just don’t want to lose any more people in my life due to my inadequacy as a human who communicates effectively. No matter what I say or do, I end up alienating someone. I don’t like it when my e-buddies just drop off the face of the earth– I know that it’s not my fault but I care about people. I care what happens to them and to be abruptly shut out of someone’s virtual life is still a slap in the face to me. (This isn’t about anyone that I’ve mentioned before.) It hurts to care. I’m thinking that I’ll be better off being slightly aloof. Maybe I’m too desperate for affection. I want just a little something to cling to, a reason to have hope. A sweet caress, a gentle smile. Something, anything, to feel love. Just once. If I could have just one wish, it would be to be loved if just for one day.

I lack the eloquence to describe my mental state, but it is as if someone has stomped on me. All over. I want to sleep for a long time or until I get over this fugue I am in. Loneliness is kicking me in the crotch yet I can’t seem to stand socializing with others for fear of getting close to them and having them run off when I let me be myself.

Go ahead, people say, be yourself. Don’t be afraid to talk to me, they say. Then “poof”. They are gone. My hope that I will someday fit in somewhere is fading away. Hell, I barely fit in the Internet aka Land of Misfit Social Outcasts.

I’ll be fine when the sadness in me goes away in a few days. Some tea and Simpsons will fix me right up.

My Brain is Gone

I have no Brain
I think It went down the drain
Or drowned in the Oregon rain
Perhaps it got hit by a train

All I know is that it's gone
I can't see it on the lawn
I'm so bored I have to yawn
Can you tell my brain is gone?

I simply want to entertain
With stories of my everyday pain
Nothing pressing me to complain
Everything I write sounds so inane.


I've been pretty apathetic lately as far as writing goes. The quality, I feel, has gone down hill. Also, I need to feel passionately about something in order to write well. That's my opinion, anyhow. There's a lack of direction in my life that isn't helping. I need to think about what to do about my lack of that indefinable 'something'.

“Damn those Mexicans!” Says my father, who continues to gripe about how ‘they’ steal all the manual labor jobs that he’s trying to get. I can’t describe how I feel about his sentiments in polite company. Let’s just say I feel for people who try to improve their family’s well being by doing whatever they can. Even if it means sneaking into a country that may not want you. I’d rather people immigrate legally, but I certainly understand why people do risk their lives for the hope of a better one.

“Damn those Muslims. I hope they all blast themselves to hell for not acknowledging Jesus as God!” So spake my step mom as I restrained myself to not lash out with incredibly harsh words. I really wanted to tell her what a wonderful Christian she was by giving Muslims such a heart-warming prayer. I can see how frantically she is clinging to religion in these ‘golden’ years of her life. She’s becoming even more intolerant of people who do not share her faith and seems to almost expect that people acknowledge Jesus as their lord. Excuse me, but I think faith is a personal thing and Mom needs to back off with her high handed remarks. In my presense, at least.

Guess what? I think my parents are racist! There is always something to be learned from DIVERSITY, from other cultures and beliefs.

I still miss...

Out On the Town

Today was pretty fun. A day of shopping, eating out and watching a horror movie. And a day spent with my best male friend.

First, we went to Wal*Mart for him to get some stuff, then off to Bing's for some good Chinese/American food. He had Mongolian Beef and I wimped out with my order of grilled cheese and Freedom French fries. Then... it was off to the mall, where I bought X-men: The End Book One and a manicure set. Now that I have nails, I was a chronic nail biter for many years, I should can actually take care of them!

The movie? THE HILLS HAVE EYES (a remake) .... boy, was that intense. Very gory. VERY gory. It's about a family that gets stuck out in the middle of the desert with cannibalistic mutants running around... Fun times, eh? Fun isn't the word I'd use. Grim, brutal and

Sorry. I just don't have anything worthwhile to say. Maybe I will tomorrow.

Junk Drawer Friday

If someone is born a hermaphrodite, or by a more politically correct term-- intersexual, and naturally has the structures of male and female reproductive organs... Does that make him/her (or however the individual defines their sexual identity) gay or straight? How does that person go through life? Certainly everyone is entitled to love and security with a spouse, so how does that person meet a potential mate? If Being Gay is a sin.....how does that person LIVE? Because biologically speaking that person is male and female, so how does that person avoid being sinful?

I mean, really. If someone can be born with both sets of fun ‘parts’, why is it so difficult to believe that someone might actually be BORN gay?

I couldn't get to my blog this morning to announce to the world: IT SNOWED!!!

Disclaimer: I am having too much fun with my two Sims. I see why I had stopped for a while....

Here's the back story to the picture.

Sarah: I saw you kiss that hoochie, Brooke, last night. How dare you take her to our favorite cafe! And how dare you call her 'Your little Tumbleweed'! I thought that was my pet name.

Adam: Hey, babe. Don't worry. I married you, didn't I? That blonde bimbo means nothing to me.

Sarah: *Sniff* You love only me, right?

Adam: Babe, only you.

Sarah: Then let's shake hands and make up.

Adam: Ok.

[She had learned a trick earlier that day. Hand buzzer.]

Adam: OH CRAP.....ARRRRGGGH. Electricity...making me....sterile....cooking flesh....crap!

Sarah: You aren't going to cheat on me again, are you? [She lets go of his hand]

Adam: [Panting and slightly frazzled] No....

Sarah: But if you do, I'm putting that buzzer somewhere else on your person. Where it'll hurt a lot more.

Do you think Stoicism (A kind of philosophy that encourages detachment from emotion and advocates self control. Blech. ) or becoming a bohemian (someone who eschews conventionality in life and art) is the way to go?

Although I am not a logical person–I mostly feel my way through life by using my instincts and emotions– I can see the need for being detached to get a different perspective on a problem. But the world thrives because of diversity. The world needs creative, free spirits to make this place a better place to live. But we need boring, old sticks-in-the-mud sensible individuals to assure that what has to be done, gets done.

I think the world requires dreamers and realists. I wonder if there is a way to get us all to work together. Wouldn’t that be heaven if we could all just get along? What marvels we could accomplish if the realists made what the dreamers thought up come to life! (Either that or society would end up becoming a nightmare.)

What say you? Are you pragmatic or fanciful?

Yes, my Sims like to get it on in their hot tub.  

Post # 231

So only one person showed up to my party last night--and that guy was the one that was supposed to throw it. (Another guy would have made it but work held him up so I completely understand.) It wasn't as fun as I thought it'd be, but neither was it torture. Played pool, threw darts, (Apparently, I've got good aim. Watch out world.) and had a couple of beers over the course of three and a half hours.

Came home and crashed.

I bought myself the Saw movies and a new look for my bedroom. It isn't *quite* done yet. I decided that my bedroom should be restful and neat, a quiet retreat from the world. The color scheme is tan and black. And I like the furry pillows tossed on my bed. They give my room a certain je nais de Conan air. A change is always good, right?

From the family, I got two shirts. Hey, I am not complaining. I am grateful for the fact that my birthday was even acknowledged.

Ok, so I was really hoping my official party would have been more exciting and the lack of attendees did nothing to restore my faith in the nature of humans. Yeah, I felt a little let down but it was tinged with the thought of :"Well, what else did you expect? People to actually SHOW up? Ha!"

Yes, I might be a little bitter, but.... I hoped that I would have had fun being social last night, that's all. I didn't want presents, I simply wanted people's presense at my party.

It's my birthday! Since I had so many candles on my cake, I had to bring in "Storm" for reinforcement! 

Cool Quiz

Generous visionary, eh? I can live with that.

There are some things I want you to remember while reading my blog, especially if you know me in real life.

• I am not going to edit/censor my writing or thinking to please you
• You may not like or agree with what I have to say.
• Do not take what I write as a personal affront, unless I say it is.
• I will keep my real life friends anonymous, especially when it comes to having problems with them. If you out yourself, that’s your business.
• Know that I can only write my perspective.

I'm going to get ready for my birthday party (with my parents not in sight. Woo hoo!) in a couple of hours. Don't worry, I've got a ride home should the liquor flow too freely tonight.

Untitled

Turning thirty was the best thing that ever happened to me, though I did not believe so at the time. I had previously thought of thirty as impossibly old, the beginning of the end, if you will.

I am grateful, now, that I have reached the big 3-0 and I’m soon to surpass it. I wouldn’t say I am completely satisfied with my life and I hope I never get so comfortable in my own skin that I forget to see opportunities for growth and development. It’s when people stop continuing to learn and expand ourselves that we begin to stagnate and perhaps die little by little because there is no where to go. There are many kinds of ‘death’ and I think the death of faith and hope is the worst.. Anyway, that’s MY opinion. Disagree if you must. I hope there will always be something for me to strive for, always a goal to be attained, always a challenge that needs to be met.

I had thought of quitting my blog when I felt as if I didn’t need it as therapy any more. Well, I’ve come to the realization that I will always need a sounding board when the desperate desire to speak about something that’s bothering me arises. So I am NOT getting rid of this blog for quite awhile. If ever. I have been blogging for nearly three years. It’s a part of my life now and I look forward to writing.

This 'castle' took a long time for me to create. I thought any fellow Sims players might like to see it. I am addicted to this game. 

My Deadly Sin? I'm a Sloth.

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Low
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Low
Pride:	Low

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz


I have a hard time getting and staying motivated.

The definition of neurotic: someone who is emotionally disturbed or unstable. Yep, that is me in a nutshell. Being neurotic has been suggested as a way of dealing with deep seated problems. I agree with that suggestion. Oh, and it IS a mental illness. Don’t worry. It’s not contagious. I think.

I’m happiest being alone, being an outcast from a society that I really want no part of anyway. I like individual people, but I can’t stand being around a bunch of my fellow humans. I do not ‘deal’ well with letting myself be vulnerable around people who I could come to care about. I do not deal with having crushes either. Inevitably, things just turn bad. In every single infatuation I’ve had. I am too afraid they are going to hurt and/or reject me. I get crazy. So I think I’m better off not letting people get too close to me. Honestly, I’m HAPPIER keeping people at arm’s length. I’ve always felt that there was never a place for me. I never really seemed to fit in wherever I went. The love I searched for from others so desperately...well, I was actually looking to love myself. I sought (still do to an extent) validation for my thoughts and feelings.

True happiness comes from accepting who and what you are. I am a loner. I am neurotic. I am happy with that.

Junk Drawer Friday

My plan of attack for the day is as follows; to breathe some life into my dreary bedroom. Not by knocking some hapless but willing man out and tying him to my non-existent four poster bed, but by getting a new comforter and maybe a bookshelf or two and my own desk. For my own computer.

See, I can’t write (creatively) in the living room. There is too many....distractions. Internet (oh, how I love thee!), cable, (mmmm....cable), all my DVDs, and my four cats. Oh, and there’s the Sims, which is so dumb I love it. Hey, I’m a control freak, so that game is right up my alley.

I can’t put my future computer in my den, for it is clogged up with my friend’s boxes, which he will need to move soon. I want my library/den back! I want to reclaim my house back, such as it is.

So in my bedroom it will go. For early morning writing sessions or as an excuse to be alone. I guess if I decide to put it in the library/den/cell, that I might get distracted by my books.... Yes, the bedroom is the place for it.

At least my bedroom will see a little action.

Whoo Hoo! A real post!

Yes, my birthday is actually on the seventh. I just wanted some RL friends to read it before then.

The SAW movies are particularly fascinating to me. Serial killers hold a certain analytical appeal to me. That is, I like to sit and analyze why they do what they do. I abhor what they do to innocent people and I definitely think serial killers deserve a lethal shot in the arm. It isn’t like I want to emulate their behavior. Though if I’m physically threatened, I WILL defend myself by any means necessary. Why do I find killers interesting? I guess psychology is just really intriguing to me. I’d like to understand, to comprehend all different aspects of human nature. That is, outside the confines of morality and religion.

I’ve seen (and laughed at) Friday the 13th, and was creeped out by the misadventures of Freddy. However, Jigsaw, is an entirely different kind of theatrical killer who does give me the shivers. Intelligent and dying, he seeks to make others appreciate the precious gift of life, by putting them in a trap and giving them a choice. Life (usually by maiming self or others) or death. The characters have to confront the decisions that put them in that kind of predicament. It’s a quite unique twist on the genre of slasher horror and SAW I & II can be very disturbingly violent, yet philosophical, which explains why I like the movies so much. Yes, I am a fake bloodthirsty soul.