What is everyone else doing for Thanksgiving? I know what I'm going to be doing... huddled over my keyboard, straining my feeble brain cells for just a few more words to meet the 1700 quota A DAY that I HAVE to do for NaNoWriMo.

Ye Gods, I be doomed.

My Survival List:

My Fellow Aspiring Writer, Zorzan. Who looks like he's about to blow something up by the look of his profile picture.
Booze. Never underestimate the power of Redrum. Yes, I do have Redrum in my house.
A hidden supply of chocolate.
Soup.
Vegetables.
Boca Burgers.

A NEW STOVE!!!!!!!!

Actually, it's coming tomorrow. My folks, despite their many faults are sometimes generous, have decided to get me one out of the money I pay them each month. I overpay them by at least 80 a month, so I know they have enough money in there to get us a desperately needed stove.

Hell yeah!

Just the other day, I told my roomie that I thought it'd be cool if Stephen King wrote a mini series (or perhaps an X-men story line) for Marvel.

Look at what I just found. I think I'll be snagging that up as quickly as I can.

Just in time for NaNoWriMo, my new mouse decided it was tired of moving side to side. It likes going up and down, but I feel frustrated every time I use it. Which is quite often.

I'm going to replace it on Monday, hopefully, with an optical one. And a new mouse pad.

Sorry this post is so mundane, but ... you know how it goes.

I've always been curious if that Iron Man song by Black Sabbath was about Marvel's Iron Man. If you dont know who Iron Man
orMagneto
are...shame on you for wasting your life on reality! But really, if you don't know 'em, you might want to skip out on this geek post.

IRON MAN By Black Sabbath

Has he lost his mind
Can he see or is he blind
Can he walk at all
Or if he moves will he fall

Hmmmm. This verse could be alluding to the fact that Tony Stark (aka Iron Rip off of Batman only a cyborg) tended to have a little bit of a problem with the Bottle.

Is he alive or dead
Has he thoughts within his head
We'll just pass him there
Why should we even care

See? At this point in the song, he's probably passed out in the street, drinking too much bad hooch.

He was turned to steel
In the great magnetic field
When he traveled time
For the future of mankind

Ok. We've pinpointed the main reason I don't like Iron Man. He's got heart but is dumb. Someone in metal armor (or who possesses metal claws for that matter) should not go after Magneto, the Master of Magnetism.

Nobody wants him
He just stares at the world
Planning his vengeance
That he will soon unfurl

Our boy is getting smart. Saving humans=dumb. Exacting revenge=fun.

Now the time is here
For Iron Man to spread fear
Vengeance from the grave
Kills the people he once saved

That's the only Iron Man comic I would personally buy.

Nobody wants him
They just turn their heads
Nobody helps him
Now he has his revenge

Never turn your head on a man who has high tech gadgetry at his disposal. Go Iron Man, go! At this point I'm rooting for him.

Heavy boots of lead
Fills his victims full of dread
Running as fast as they can
Iron Man lives again!

It's pretty obvious by now that this song WAS inspired by the Marvel's Iron Man. If his cybernetic implants were to go haywire because of his idiocy going after Mags.

Ok. I'm going to stop the comedy for today because I'm all tapped out.

Have a great and safe weekend.

I've been wondering whether or not I should talk about one of my (former) e-friends. Not maliciously or anything. Just need to get it out.

About my friend...

We first started writing and e-mailing about 2 and a half years ago. We clicked immediately. Then his wife died. From what he told me, he came home to find her dead in their office. Of what, he didn't say and I refused to even ask. He didn't take any time off from work, from what he told me and I see no reason to doubt it.

We honestly had fun together and the writing helped keep his mind off what happened, I'm sure. He often said I seemed to be similiar to his wife in that I have a deep desire to help people, like she did. I told him my troubles and about some terrible dreams and he took the time to tell me what I was feeling was normal. And that I wasn't going crazy. I unburdened everything that was bothering me, because he said it was ok to do so.

Then he disappeared. Just like that. Yeah, he came back and we emailed and wrote almost as if he'd never gone.

He disappeared again over two months ago. I know he's not coming back, but I really miss him. It hurts sometimes. A LOT. Mostly because I do not know what happened to him. Maybe I even developed some feelings for him, which I definitely feel guilty about. 2 and a half years....you're bound to have some sort of opinion about a person. Right?

If I'm reticent to write or open up.....please understand that I don't want to be hurt again. Not by myself, at least. I thought I would feel better getting this out, but I actually feel worse.

EDIT: Now I also feel like I could kick him where it counts for his .. Houdini act.

This weekend

The dad's coming over this week to fiddle around with the plumbing to the shower. I'll be getting the horrifying weekend I expected, but not in the way I want. I was going to see Saw II....but there's not a chance in hell that I'm leaving him alone with my kitties. For his safety, of course.

He plans to stay ALL weekend 'helping' out. Actually, the house does need a man's touch. Everything seems to be falling apart. And it feels 'clammy' inside. There's mold growing almost constantly--I DO scrub it off, but comes back fairly quickly because the windows gather condensation every single frickin day. I LIVE IN A MOLD INFESTED DEATH HOLE AND I AM UNABLE TO LEAVE.

BUT...you can help by distracting me. Call me. (c:

My NaNoWriMo log in name is Lorelai1975. Just in case any one wants a Writing Buddy.

RIP Rosa Parks

This world would be a much better place if there were more people like Rosa Parks. Her courage helped spark a movement that made a difference in the world and the way future generations will live. She inspires me to be more courageous and stand up and do something if I see a situation that irks me. Injustice in all its forms deeply disturbs me. I hope Rosa is inspiration to all people.

Racism hasn't completely vanished from the face of the earth, but Rosa Parks, one person, did something about it with just saying "No. I am not going to move."

My Recommendation:

Watch The Shield. (If you think you can handle a little grittiness and harsh language. Yes, it's a challenge. Take it up, wusses. :p ) I can't believe I have cable (FX) and chickened out on watching this terrific show.

**Lowers head in shame**

I'm getting ready for NaNoWriMo. I can do approximately 1200 words a day after I get home from work. Hey, I work in a office enviroment. I type all day long and my wrists hurt. I know. Wah, wah, wah. (I'm in some kind of mood tonight. Eeesh.)

What's on the agenda for tonight? A perennial Halloween favorite: Young Frankenstein. Mel Brooks simply rocks, particularily his earlier movies.

I need to relax and laugh--my neck aches quite a bit. So I'm off to have some fun.

Lest anyone think I'm a stalker chick, that poem was not inspired by anyone in the LINKS section.

I have nothing against the 'no ruler' anarchists...and I've thought long and hard over someone's suggestion that the President's role be eliminated. I'm respectfully disagreeing with that possible solution.

I just see problems with people governing people. Logically speaking, a group of people could run the government without aid of a president. But then, people are rarely logical being influenced by things like corruption or emotion. In any sort of equation, you should factor in those two unknowns.

You also may have a bickering problem between political parties. Or if a particular party should have a majority in the 'Council'.... Issues that shouldn't take very long to resolve would take an eternity. It would be a disaster because potentially the 'Council' could get nothing done. Look at Congress. They don't seem to get anything accomplished other than harass broadcasters by tacking an indecency fine bill onto a 'Let's give our troops more money' bill.

Our founding fathers, far ahead of their time, set up the checks and balances system for a reason. Despite what I feel about our current President, there should still BE a President.

With all that said, I am firmly convinced that robots need to be our overlords.

I love you
the only words left unspoken
Your name is holy on my lips
Your skin under my finger tips
Heat rises guards fall
nothing held back

My, my this here Anakin guy..

It's sad when I enjoy a satirical observation of a movie more than the actual movie.

I'm finding it a struggle to think up interesting and thought provoking posts. Yes, I could whine on and on about my life but that's not healthy for me.

And when I do think up something that is interesting to me, I always feel as if I fall short in a fashion. It is my opinion that if readers take the time to read this humble blog, that I should give something in return. Whether it be a laugh or two or a thought....I want to offer people something with each and every post.

I think it was SK who said that writers are often the worst judges of their work. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Or maybe like so many writers before me, I just like beating myself up.

The Shield

That isn't supposed to happen!

Repetition

I feel as if I am repeating myself. I think I need to find more things to rant about. I'm not a copycat, so I will not do any 30 day experiments. Except for NaNoWriMo.

Write me! I'm not too horrible to email.

Are you ready to be Raptured?

The end times are near. I can tell by this site. Let us all make peace with our neighbors.

It really surprises me that Jesus's fanatical worshippers tend to be Republican. I think Jesus would be more liberal than conservative. Let's face it; Jesus was kind of a hippy in that he broke the rules of conventional society and made a big ruckus in doing so. Especially in his acceptance of women. He encouraged their spiritual growth and to speak up. He made friends with women.

Do I believe he existed? I do.

Do I believe Santa Claus/St. Nick existed? I do. Not as the mythical being who gets sucked up a chimmey by laying one finger on the side of his nose, but perhaps as a kind person who never had children of his own. Maybe he was just a lonely man trying to make a dismal day bright for as many kids as he could.

But history has a tendency to warp perspective, however, to blow things entirely out of proportion. I remember playing a game called "Grapevine" in Sunday School. The teacher would whisper a sentence in someone's ear and eventually it'd go through the entire class until the last person had to say it out loud. In this instance, the teacher used it as a lesson not to spread gossip, but I saw other applications for this knowledge.

Particularily in what Church was teaching. How do we know for sure that the Bible hasn't been tampered with, either maliciously or by accident? We don't. And I'm loathe to take people's word that it is good. (Well, I did enjoy reading the Bible. I consider it to be the most violence, sex-filled book I've read.)

*************************
Ok, so I lied about taking it easy. I meant only to put up that link and maybe a paragraph. All that just poured out of me.

Good night. For real.

I am happy--which is a state of mind that is basically a temporary truce between me and my head. It probably has something to do with the fact that I drove myself into work. I'm strongly considering spending $195 a month for the peace of not being bothered.

I'm tired, though, so I think I'll save my ruminating for tomorrow. Or whenever I have the energy.

Love ya.

Feel free to put me up on your links if you want to.

Sometimes events happen that make you question your mortality and what you leave behind for those you love. Me? I'll disappear gracefully, slowly to be forgotten by the world.

I can't go into the specifics of what happened today because it took place at work. But the people I trust most (online) know. But if you read on, you'll get the gist of it.

What do I want to happen when I die?

A party. Lots of music, lots of drinks. I would want people to party the way I never really could.

Don't put me in the ground. Cremate me and scatter the ashes so that I could be free in the way I never was in life.

But in the meantime, maybe I'll do what I want for a change. Kiss someone I really want to kiss. Share my mind and life with more people. Finish shucking off the chains of my sordid past and be a woman that inspires instead of depresses.

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

Travels

My family used to take camping trips as vacation. They weren't too bad, except that I had no particular fondness for sleeping in my very own pup tent. I'm not very fond of the hard ground or the sounds I heard at night. I have quite the imagination and I know my brain has tried to kill me before.

Anyhoo...This story is not about my brain deciding it'd be better off without me... It's about my favorite road trip. The trip to see my dad's relatives in the Mid-West from Oregon through Idaho and Montana to North and South Dakota then on the way back, hitting Yellowstone. To learn the history of my relatives. They were and are farmers. Most of them have a deep affinity for the land they work. Respect farmers; they truly do work hard and people don't give them enough credit.

My dad regaled me with tales of his favorite uncle who loved horses and rode them til the day he died. He said I reminded him of his uncle in that I love horses as much as his uncle did. He told me about his other uncle who died in Pearl Harbor and took me to his empty grave to tell me about him.

I don't remember things in order...it's been a long time and I neglected to jot things down. Forgive me if I ramble. Mount Rushmore was awesome. Deadwood (Yes, that Deadwood) was neat. I liked the Devil's Tower and the Badlands were gorgeous. I got to see where Custer met his demise. Yellowstone rocked. Some things were boring and I choose not to remember them.

I got to ride horses quite a bit. Ok, twice. But still....I loved riding my loaned horse and seeing nothing but wide expanse of field while the wind stole my cowgirl hat. I felt a connection with the land and the simple folk--my folk--while I was there.

I love South Dakota.

All of my distant relatives had a hospitality and a politeness unknown in these parts. They were all really nice and pretty sharp in wit.

I think that's where I started liking country (and) Southern people. A longing for the simple life that I got to experience for such a short time.

*****************************************

I'm feeling better. I think for the most part I was just hurt and it bothered me. Really bothered me.

Writing this story helped to keep my mind busy. I'm sitting here with a smile on my face as I remember bits of that journey. It was truly a memorable part of my childhood.

I had a full blown panic/anxiety attack last night. They are neither fun or funny, in case you were wondering.

Please don't patronize me by saying I can control it through sheer force of will.

I called my therapist today.

She said there is nothing more she could think of to help me. So no more appointments with her. I asked if she could recommend someone else. She told me that she doubted anyone could help me.

Thanks, lady.

Sorry for my impassioned little diatribe

Let me clarify some things:

I did not mean to put anyone down for what they find attractive. Or to insinuate every guy that reads my blog should be gay. (Though my first real boyfriend is gay. But I had nothing to do with that. Or did I?)

I'm just saying if you look at people in a different light, you can find something intriguing with just about anyone. And if you look TOO hard for what you think you want, you might miss out on something even better.

Things that currently Tick Me Off

I was approached by a lady (former co-worker) who is married to an Asian man. Well, his sister is a matchmaker...and she wanted to find an American-Caucasian woman for one of her clients. Because he wanted someone with fair white skin and good looks like mine.

The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. Race should never play a part in who you love. Love is hard enough to find without quibbling over unimportant details like that. Here's what's important:

IMPORTANT
Heart
Compatiblility
Compassion
Humor
Smarts
Understanding

NOT IMPORTANT
Race
Age/Gender
How much money they make
Handicapped
FAT

Try seeing everyone as beautiful and desirable; not just a "type" you prefer. I think the world would be a much better place if people did that. We would be so much more open-minded...

The other thing I'm disturbed about...my aunt.

She seems to think rather than have her drive the extra mile from Highway XX, that she would prefer me to drive 2.5 miles to the nearest grocery store, park there for the entire day, then she'd drop me off so I can go back home.

Yeah, right.

First of all, that's a good way to get a car towed in Bored Cop Town, where I happen to live. Next...if I do that, I won't be able to answer the phone if she happens to call in sick--because my delightful hiney will be waiting for her at the store. I definitely do not want to wait until she either manages to get there or I get tired of shivering in the cold.

I think I should either find a job closer to home or find another person to car pool with. I'm tired of her, tired of her repeating everything I said (I don't tell her jack shit anymore) to the Folks, tired of that evil Christian music up so loud I can hear it through my headphones, tired of her inane stories that don't go anywhere, tired of hearing about her little Yip dog. Most of all, I'm tired of having her try to say everything she believes in is right. Hell, she even defends that loon Pat Robertson.

Hm. Maybe I should tell her I'm Agnostic Girl, meek and mild [insert what I do here] by day, Righteous Defender of those who don't believe in God (as such) by night.

Who am I kidding? I'm FAR from meek and mild....as I'm sure you (my four faithful readers) can attest to.

But it felt good to let loose my fiery feelings, to give voice to what has been bothering me for a few weeks now.

Finally...

As you may or may not know, I like comic books. To be specific, Marvel comics.

In Late July, I pre-ordered this....(Grant might like this...since he likes ninjas so much.)

A Psylocke Mini Bust. I didn't think it'd ever get here, but it will in a day or two.

Go NINJAS. (My particular fondness for Ninjas dates back to my childhood...ok....back to Teenage Mutant NINJA Turtles. My fave character on the cartoon show was Shredder--the villian--but that's a story for another time.)

Some Revelations and a HNT

• I can write more eloquently than previously believed.
• I am INSANE for joining NanNoWriMo. (You have to write 50,000 words in a month starting Nov 1st.)
• I am well liked at work. For the most part.
• I like being in an utterly still and quiet room. I am comfortable with my thoughts, I guess.
• I can hold up my end of a conversation without stammering.

Shoe on the Highway

Due to my aunt (with whom I carpool) having to work so late that having dinner at home would not be good for my digestive system, I decided I would have Chinese food.

I trotted my ample self over to the August Moon, which is conveniently across the street from my place of employment.

I felt weird the instant I stepped in there. Eating by oneself in a nice resteraunt is an...odd sensation. Like you are on display. I noticed right away four Sex in the City wanna bes looking at me, as if they wondered why a woman would want to dine alone.

I tried not to let my imagination take wing as I thought of several people I'd like to have dinner with. I didn't want to think of the conversations about philosophy, movies and literature that might have taken place if they were there in that dimly lit place. Or how nice it would be for me if they were 'accidentally' to brush their hand against mine.

No. The only company I had was a Stephen King book and four catty women who purposely looked away as they passed my table to 'powder' their collective, perfectly plastic noses. Yes, I'm catty on occasion too.

It occured to me as I munched on my vegetable chow mein, that eating alone is a lot like being that one deserted shoe on the side of the road--the shoe that always manages to look...well...alone and despondent.

Hmmm. So humor isn't one of my strong writing traits. Sue the pants off of me, go ahead. I dare you. (Interjection from R's legal representative: Please don't.)

And for the guys, sorry about all the pastel and girly colors. I'm messing around with HTML, trying to learn more about it. I REALLY want either a star-and-moons motif or a purple theme.

More later. Must head to work.

Aries: Mar 21 - Apr 19
Hmmm....I see a smoker and his lighter in your near future. Too bad you decided to use flammable hairspray. My advice? Get used to the bald look.

Taurus: Apr 20 - May 20
Beware of that soft clucking sound in your ear. Your doom is at hand. Or claw.

Gemini: May 21 - June 21
Two-faced people always get what's coming to them. Watch both of your backs.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Halloween's just around the corner. Follow the rules of scary movies during that day and you'll be alright.
1. Don't have sex.
2. Don't drink beer.
3. Never EVER go off alone and say "I'll be right back."

Leo: July 23 - Aug 22
Three words of warning for you Leos: de-clawing and neutering.

Virgo: Aug 23 - Sept 22
....Snowed in hotel...croquet mallets...blood everywhere. Guess what? You're going with your family to the Overlook! Have fun!

Libra: Sept 23 - Oct 22
I see the most horrible of fates for you; life as CPA.

Scorpio: Oct 23 - Nov 21
A friend of mine has scorpions. Another friend (that lives with him) has said if they got out, they are as good as smushed. Live in captivity and be safe....or be free with high probability of extinction.

Sagittarius: Nov 22 - Dec 21
Think to yourself "Things can always be worse. I could be a Libra."

Capricorn: Dec 22 - Jan 19
Don't eat anything slushy. I foresee tragic consequences involving frozen concoctions. And straws.

Aquarius: Jan 20 - Feb 18
Don't eat any of that tuna sealed in plastic bags. Or go out to Sushi. In fact, stay away from fish all together.

Pisces: Feb 19 - Mar 20
You're the best sign there is. In fact, you're perfect in everyway...and you'll win the lottery so that you can quit your office job. You'll travel the world, giving money to blog friends, then settle down so that you can write a novel of romance, horror, science fiction...that will be a bestseller for many years to come.

My Reading List Gets Shorter.

I got sucked into Hearts in Atlantis. So far, it's a fine read.

Here is what's left:

• The Hidden Warrior by Lynn F.
• American Psycho.
• On Writing by S. King (Fifth time)
• Vampire Hunter D books. (I'm gothish. I like vampires.)
• Wicked by Gregory Maguire.

I don't know why, but I'm apprehensive about reading more Harry Potter. I love the books, but I don't want to know how things turn out. I finished Order of the Phoenix three weeks ago--and I am not positive I want to read Half Blood Prince. (The ending was blurted out at work. It seriously pissed me off--both the ending and the fact someone could ruin it for me.)

Look for your horror-scopes from me sometime this month.

Don't Forget...It's Breast Awareness Month

This is a public awareness post I do yearly.

Don't forget to check your breasts. That goes for men too. Yes, it's not widely known, but men can get breast cancer.

• Check your breasts once a month. Do not have the mentality that it is harmless if you ignore a bump you might find.
• Try not to be embarrassed bringing it up to your doctor, especially if you're a man. This is one of those rare instances where it's better to be wrong than right.
• Take care of yourself in body, mind, and spirit. Do somethings that cheer you up. I believe the way you look at 'issues' can help in recovery. A positive attitude will help you far more than anything else.

I've decided to write a story or two for fanfiction.net. Mostly because I want feedback on how I write from people that ... do not 'know' me. Let's face it: every faithful reader of my blog has been awestruck by how lovely and personable I am. It's easy to understand your bias. I mean...we're talking about ME here.

:-)

Besides, I have a few stories in my head that need to come out.

I may not be able to tell a story well, but at least they'll no longer be upstairs, making a bunch of 'noise'. If you know what I mean.

I kind of liked the Punisher movie....

Well, Tom Jane WAS pretty hot.

I'm not going to let the weirdo scare me off of what I am looking for.

No. Not sex, you freaks. Though I don't know why that's been on my mind so much. It feels like I'm going MAD on occasion.

Anyhoo....I want a companion, someone of a like mind who enjoys many of the same things I do. Who likes the way I have NO problem saying what's on my mind. Someone that I can respect and who will politely disagree with me. I want a frickin' partner in every sense of the word.

But that means I either have to go out in the world or do internet dating. The last refuge of the desperate.

With that said, here's my Want AD:

Attractive SWF ISO (in search of) slightly crazed man or woman for good
times. Must have good heart and good aim. Knowledge of fire arms preferred but
not required. Psych test not required, but I prefer sociopaths. Would love
someone that has brains and maybe a bit of intelligence.

Ok, so I'm exaggerating.

But what drives us to look for kindred spirits? Biological needs? I think there is that but also a psychological component. That is to say..if all we are looking for is purely animalistic intensity....why do some of us 'mate' for life?

************************My brain is currently offline...no wait....it's coming back**********

I have nothing 'going' on this weekend. It's not a payday. Ehh. Another boring two days.

Maybe I'll work on my writing. That's an idea...

Odd n Ends

I'm going to start cleaning up my links. Anyone that hasn't posted in a month is gone.

Hmm. The guest blogger idea didn't exactly 'fly'. That's cool. I had no expectations it would anyway.

I'm lonely. Call me.

I do have a little something I'd like to dedicate to my stalker called (appropiately enough) Stalk Me. If you're wondering, it's sung to the tune of Eat Me. If you've watched the Addams Family Values, you'll know what I'm talking about.

I'm thinking it might be fun to have guest bloggers. I would like to have people who don't necessarily have time to keep a blog, but need a place to safely 'rant'. Me, I'm an argumentative sort. I thrive on constantly trying to learn and discuss and debate all kinds of issues. I want people to feel free to post their own rebuttals. (No uploading pics of hineys, ok?)

I would prefer to have some sort of knowledge of my guest bloggers beforehand. There's a total of 3 spots available.

It's just an experiment I am thinking of.

NOT HOT

Who is NOT hot.

5. Yes, she is beautiful but the truth is...no one knows where she's been besides Thorton. Angelina is technically hot, but she has what I shall say is a colorful past.

4. Billy Bob Thorton is a creepy lecher. I said it. (Too hideous for me to post photo)

3. Russell Crowe's diva attitude destroys whatever talent he has.

2. Tom Cruise's psychotic break down was fun to watch. For someone railing at the 'evils' of psychiatric assistance...he sure NEEDS it.

1. Paris Hilton. I would not touch her for ten million dollars. I also will not disgrace my blog with her pic, either.

Hot or Not...

(I've seen this on more than one site. So I thought I'd give it a try. And I have nothing else to do.)

Celebs that are hot. (To me)

5. Drew Barrymore. She's got a very sweet and angelic face. I think she's very pretty and seems to be a nice person.

4. Sting. I've said it before; older men with accents draw me to them. He's sensitive and intelligent with (drool) a beautiful smile.

3. David Bowie. Again. Older is almost always better. And it's David Bowie. Very potent in pure sexual appeal.

2. Nicole Kidman. I think she's nearly the epitome of what old Hollywood was; classy, lovely and a lady. She's very, very hot.

1. Hugo Weaving. Master of Rivendale, Agent Smith... Good guy, bad guy...this man can do it all. I like his voice most of all; powerful and commanding.

10th post

You are Rogue from the X-men!
you are best known for your southern comfort, you
hard beauty! Large in personality you have a
great devotion to the things close to you,but
not too close. Sometimes you feel all alone in
the world. funny how the strongest one always
do.

Which of the X-men do you resemble most?
brought to you by

Never EVER again.

I've made a few new ground rules....because of the past week.

• Don't date co-workers.
• Don't go to a party on a week night.
• Get more than 5 and a half hours of sleep.
• Really think about post or e-mail content whilst PMS'ing. I love y'all.

That is all, for now. My apologies for being bitchy, whiny and moany. Thanks to all who are sticking with me. I PMS 2 or 3 times a year...and boy, are they emotional holocausts.

Side note: I decided to tell the weirdo co-worker that I'll be informing HR if he doesn't stop bothering in via e-mail. I am fairly sure that'll take care of it.

G...I am making this a public blog. I'll let Annush know.

EDIT: Ok, after coming back from the party...I realized just how stupid I sounded on number one. Now that I'm through being slightly immature..I take that one back.

Eeesh. I apologize folks.

G, I won't get rid of you but I found out the hard way not to think your online friends will always be there. :-*

Life continually changes so don't count on anything.

I am a sick woman, however, who would do anything to be loved and accepted. Well, not quite anything. (Nothing illegal.) But I think you see the point I'm trying to make.

Things to do

1. I will no longer 'flirt' e-mail or otherwise--for the time being at least. No good comes of it for me. Ever. I just don't want to do it, ok?
2. I'm going to have to stop being a wuss and defend myself.
3. The Shield must be watched.
4. I have to read my way through the books-to-be read pile, now that I'm finishing with Catch-22.
5. Call my therapist and arrange for another session.
6. Go to a party tonight.

There is nothing on TV and the house is still. Reading isn't helping. I really, really need a life.

:-)

Blog less and live more.

I think the search for love is really the search to fully love myself. As I've said, there is a tendency to mistake attention for affection on my part. I do not wish to come off as desperate or needy. I have been truly depressed lately.

I want to be the kind of woman that doesn't come to depend on others, to 'carry' her. It's one thing to help out. It's another to be an enabler. Especially my e-buddies--because you guys aren't going to be around forever. I'm sure you'll get their own lives and move on.

Any of this making sense? I'm not sure. Hmmm. I could either laugh or cry. I'd rather laugh. Maniacally.

Oh and G...The nights are cold in Cleveland COULD have been code for: I want to kiss you and hug you and call you George. So it's a good thing that I didn't.

I'm pretty sure that Bruce wouldn't stand for that since he's a little bit married.

I need a phone with caller ID on it. He's calling me.

I want to tell him to fuck off but I freak inside. I freeze up. I know I'm letting myself be a victim but I don't know how to break free.

I'm afraid to call the cops because I disappeared after the incident 9 years ago. I was going to press charges but they found out he was had a lot of gang connections. So part of me is thinking they wouldn't do anything about it.

I don't want to be a victim.

100 Things about me. Part one of four.

1. I snort when I laugh sometimes.
2. I know how to clean, oil, load and use a shotgun.
3. My family is of a redneck nature.
4. I don't believe in dancing for I am the ultimate klutz
5. Tequila is my liquor of choice
6. I love cheesy cornball movies
7. I am most funny when it's unintentional
8. I like the horror genre because it's interesting to delve into the psychology of what scares the pants off of people than say... romance.
9. Bruce Campbell is off the list of people I must meet before they (oops, I) die.
10. I'm insecure but working on that problem.
11. I miss my mother though I don't remember her.
12. I do not smoke or ever wish to.
13. I try to learn one thing new every day. Doesn't have to be important or life-altering, but I like to learn.
14. Time to confess, I like emotionally unavailable men.
15. I suck at chess.
16. I suck worse at poker. My face is incredibly transparent and full of expression. Unless I turn my brain off--then I look like an escaped mental patient.
17. I want to learn how to cook.
18. There is so much to explore...and it disappoints me that I won't experience it all.
19. There are some things I can't be open minded about: intolerance and hatred.
20. I go to extremes, in regards to a lot of things. Though I am learning moderation. Well, trying.
21. I'm a fiesty, passionate person who fights for whom/what I believe in.
22. I can't stand Shakespeare.
23. I love historical fiction
24. I love to skinny dip.
25. Love is more powerful than lust. Lust fizzles out, but love stays. I guess I'm a romantic even though I don't really like romantic movies. I guess I think that movies portray it unrealistically.

More to come.

I feel sad getting rid of the old blog. But maybe it'll work out for the best in the long run. Maybe it's a 'sign' that I move on with my life and perhaps this could be new phase.

Last Night

Ok, by the time I got home, it was 10:30. I had time to e-mail the two e-pals that I truly enjoy conversating with. G and P. Then I crashed hard.

Grant, I think I e-flirted with you. I blame it entirely on Bruce and his sense of humor--where it squarely belongs. Well, and that I was completely exhausted/lonely last night. Anyhoo...

After work, I had my Aunt drive me over to 23rd to pick up my copy of Make Love! The Bruce Campbell Way. Then I waited around, perusing the music. I met an underground comic strip artist who happened to be paraplegic and pretty damn astute. We talked and ended up at a little bistro. I had an hour and a half to fill before the Man came on, so I thought "Why not?"

We had a pretty interesting conversation, let's leave it at that. He's a nice guy and smart and funny. He has a good outlook on life. An outlook more people would be wise to emulate.

Not wanting to miss out, I headed back over there early. I waited 45 minutes before he came on stage. I was thirteenth in line.

"Hey, baby." He said, flashing that devilish grin of his. **SIGH**

"Hello." All the witty one-liners I had meant to say flew out of my head and into the atmosphere. Which might have been a blessing now that I think of it.

"Randi with a I, huh? So whaddya do?" He said, reading the sticky note with my name on it. (Put there by a helpful store clerk who 'prepped' people for Bruce.

"Me?" I squeaked.

"Yeah, you." He smiled at me.

"I'm an insurance analyst." I reply. Hey, I'm proud that I wasn't giggling like a giddy school girl at this point in my meeting with Bruce.

"Tell me what that means." He said.

I replied, "I pay hospital claims."

He told me in Ash-like fashion, "Use your powers for good, not evil."

I really wish I hadn't been so tired even then. I smiled at him and thanked him for his time.

Getting home was an adventure. It took $50 and a tip. In the cold rain with my feet, hips and back killing me because I had spent the better part of 3 hours on my feet in dress shoes, a skirt, a cami, and a white pinstriped shirt