Aries: Mar 21 - Apr 19
Hmmm....I see a smoker and his lighter in your near future. Too bad you decided to use flammable hairspray. My advice? Get used to the bald look.

Taurus: Apr 20 - May 20
Beware of that soft clucking sound in your ear. Your doom is at hand. Or claw.

Gemini: May 21 - June 21
Two-faced people always get what's coming to them. Watch both of your backs.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Halloween's just around the corner. Follow the rules of scary movies during that day and you'll be alright.
1. Don't have sex.
2. Don't drink beer.
3. Never EVER go off alone and say "I'll be right back."

Leo: July 23 - Aug 22
Three words of warning for you Leos: de-clawing and neutering.

Virgo: Aug 23 - Sept 22
....Snowed in hotel...croquet mallets...blood everywhere. Guess what? You're going with your family to the Overlook! Have fun!

Libra: Sept 23 - Oct 22
I see the most horrible of fates for you; life as CPA.

Scorpio: Oct 23 - Nov 21
A friend of mine has scorpions. Another friend (that lives with him) has said if they got out, they are as good as smushed. Live in captivity and be safe....or be free with high probability of extinction.

Sagittarius: Nov 22 - Dec 21
Think to yourself "Things can always be worse. I could be a Libra."

Capricorn: Dec 22 - Jan 19
Don't eat anything slushy. I foresee tragic consequences involving frozen concoctions. And straws.

Aquarius: Jan 20 - Feb 18
Don't eat any of that tuna sealed in plastic bags. Or go out to Sushi. In fact, stay away from fish all together.

Pisces: Feb 19 - Mar 20
You're the best sign there is. In fact, you're perfect in everyway...and you'll win the lottery so that you can quit your office job. You'll travel the world, giving money to blog friends, then settle down so that you can write a novel of romance, horror, science fiction...that will be a bestseller for many years to come.