Slow News Day

Good news, I don't have to worry about my crummy old stapler attacking me anymore. I got an electric stapler! Which looks like a black sperm whale rising majestically out of my blueish-gray desk, exposing the part that actually does the stapling--like shiny metal teeth. It looks hungry and its smiling at me, I just know it. Honestly, it does look like Moby Dick. Only black. And inanimate. And not actually a reproduction of a whale.

Fortunately, as a safety feature, fingers are too big to actually fit into the stapler, so I think I'm safe. For now.

Just don't call me Ishmael.