I'm sitting here, staring at my monitor, with a SMALL glass of rum in my hand, when it occured to me that I send out crap e-mail that sounds so informal and uncaring. (To me.) I feel as if I have so much to say, but I hate that I get finger tied around blogpals that I like. As friends, naturally.
All I really want is to let people see me 'shine' and appreciate my company. I want to make people laugh and leave them in a better mood than when I first talked to them. I would much rather give to someone than receive because that way I have more control and so I will not depend on anyone. A healthy person knows how to do both.
I despise feeling desperate, like the world is closing around me and there is no way to get out. I fight myself every day. I fight to trust someone a little more. I fight to expose who I am to certain people even with the suspicion if I am truly myself, they'll stop being my blogpal. (And it's more than just one person I'm thinking of) I fight to step out into LIFE just a little bit more. I fight to believe that I am beautiful, radiant and worth more than those shallow people that think only size 6's have any sort of value. I fight hard to keep my sense of self and my strength. I fight myself and I am my own worse enemy. I fight what seeds of malcontent have been planted in my head when I was young.
There is so much I have to say. There is so much passion in my soul that I do not properly know how to express. There is so much I want to do and share. I want experiences that I can look back on when I'm eighty and smile, knowing that I was well and truly loved in my younger days. I want the gentle touch on my cheek given to me by someone who gives a damn about me. His touch would be worth more than gold, more than diamonds. I want to share even my most silly of thoughts with him to make him laugh. I want to kiss his smile and make it mine.
I want someone to care enough to see what's behind the walls to what I guard so fiercely. I gave my readers a glimpse tonight. Now it's up to you what you do with what I let you see.
posted by Valkyrie @ 8:15 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
I think you should feel safe in expressing your true feelings on your blog and by e-mail. Worst case scenario, you can always hide your blog, block the person from your e-mail, and console yourself with a LARGE glass of rum.
If I can make a suggestion - quit apologizing. Don't worry about offending us with your comments or questions. Anyone who knows you a little knows you're too nice to be intentionally offensive. Also, I get your humor, so if I don't acknowledge it its because I already laughed and I'm moving on. I'll try to remember by lol's in the future.
Also, I haven't forgotten you. I've just been too busy to post anything of substance.
I understand, Grant. You're free entertainment. I don't expect you to be at my beck and e-mail.
I'm not sure if you check back to see if you read any responses that I might have given you on my blog, but here goes...
I used to apologize for EVERYTHING. I mean I said 'sorry' so much, I aggravated my closest friends. It annoyed me too. It was literally slapped into my head when I was younger. The way I used to think was that if I didn't apologize for misbehaving, over normal child behavior, that my step-mom would desert me.
I have abandonment issues that will never completely go away, my former therapist's words, though I am so much better at coping with it.
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