I can't afford mental health care, even if I could find a therapist I'd be able to trust. It just costs way too much and I work for a health insurance company.

Right now, I think I need it.

In many ways, I believe I'm better than I used to be. But...I am getting increasingly erratic, making mistakes at work, and my mind seems to be 'stretched' taut, struggling to not give in to my panic attacks.

I hate panic attacks. They sweep over me and rob me of being able to live life as fully as I should. Sometimes, it's over a mundane task such as swallowing because I'm afraid to choke. That doesn't happen often, but I am concerned about choking. I avoid certain roads because they have a tendency to induce panic.

I need to get myself together. I need to be ME again. I'm scared of 'losing' my identity aka going insane. I try, I really try, to not lose sight of rationale and of anything that will help me from feeling as if I am sinking.

I won't ever give up.